Jordan Van Hayes A college student, workaholic, insomniac/narcoleptic, and The Grandma's all-purpose slave.
| 
Glenn Oltero Uri's 'twin brother' and
Jordan's cousin, he has morphed into a mer-man-snake who's afraid of water. Poet, songwriter, friend to kings and peasants, enjoys hotwiring cars.
| 
Uri Van Hayes Jordan's sister,
currently a blob. World's top architect, now, bafflingly, moving from minimum-wage job minimum-wage job.
|
Florence Magus High school drama
teacher who can't keep the drama out of her life.
| 
Vivian Bain One of a family of hundreds. Hereditary priestess of Hera for about thirteen generations - has no Greek ancestry.
| 
Sam Sciuhen A shy, young rocket scientist who dreams of heroism in the stars.
|
Andrei Leroux Jordan's boyfriend
and roommate. Enjoys mixing food, chemicals, and people.
| 
Cecilia Van Hayes Uri and
Jordan's mother. She has a secret from most of the world.
| 
The Grandma The nameless villain of
this piece, who can OBVIOUSLY run the world better than anyone else doing the job right now. Cecilia's mother.
|
Odeda A Salishan Sasquatch (Canadian Bigfoot) who was chased south by hunters. Currently living with Jordan and Andrei. Good at cards.
| 
Benvolo "the Mazing," an unemployed actor
| 
Theobald Gamen, called Theo, a day-trader and gambler.
|
Zoe a materials engineer/potter.
| 
Chloe a student of theoretical mathematics.
| 
Ulysses Isa a dancer.
|
Kamali An artist.
| 
Harold Van Hayes Jordan and Uri's father.
|  Sybil Sawyer Harold's girlfriend.
|
Maia
| 
Xue Pronounced SHWAY.
| 
Dooley Dugelhoff An artist, Glenn's
friend.
|
Amelia Liubov A kindergarten teacher.
| 
Jason A bodyguard
| 
Princess Elizabeth Valentino A heptathlete
|
King Rudolph Valentino III King of the Cinemarchy of California
| 
Prince Uptonamon, who recently woke up to find things aren't quite as he expected.
| 
Ahmed Xastrux An architect who worked on the Antarctic bridge.
|
Guy-in-a-Tie, The Grandma's minion
| 
Blanca, who died during WWII.
| 
Quigley, an insane were-kangaroo.
|
Marigold Bain, matriarch of the Bain faimly, Vivian's grandmother.
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