Jordan Van Hayes A college student, workaholic, insomniac/narcoleptic, and The Grandma's all-purpose slave.
Glenn Oltero Uri's 'twin brother' and
Jordan's cousin, he has morphed into a mer-man-snake who's afraid of water. Poet, songwriter, friend to kings and peasants, enjoys hotwiring cars.
Uri Van Hayes Jordan's sister,
currently a blob. World's top architect, now, bafflingly, moving from minimum-wage job minimum-wage job.
Florence Magus High school drama
teacher who can't keep the drama out of her life.
Vivian Bain One of a family of hundreds. Hereditary priestess of Hera for about thirteen generations - has no Greek ancestry.
Sam Sciuhen A shy, young rocket scientist who dreams of heroism in the stars.
Andrei Leroux Jordan's boyfriend
and roommate. Enjoys mixing food, chemicals, and people.
Cecilia Van Hayes Uri and
Jordan's mother. She has a secret from most of the world.
The Grandma The nameless villain of
this piece, who can OBVIOUSLY run the world better than anyone else doing the job right now. Cecilia's mother.
Odeda A Salishan Sasquatch (Canadian Bigfoot) who was chased south by hunters. Currently living with Jordan and Andrei. Good at cards.
Benvolo "the Mazing," an unemployed actor
Theobald Gamen, called Theo, a day-trader and gambler.
Zoe a materials engineer/potter.
Chloe a student of theoretical mathematics.
Ulysses Isa a dancer.
Kamali An artist.
Harold Van Hayes Jordan and Uri's father.
Sybil Sawyer Harold's girlfriend.
Xue Pronounced SHWAY.
Dooley Dugelhoff An artist, Glenn's
Amelia Liubov A kindergarten teacher.
Jason A bodyguard
Princess Elizabeth Valentino A heptathlete
King Rudolph Valentino III King of the Cinemarchy of California
Prince Uptonamon, who recently woke up to find things aren't quite as he expected.
Ahmed Xastrux An architect who worked on the Antarctic bridge.
Guy-in-a-Tie, The Grandma's minion
Blanca, who died during WWII.
Quigley, an insane were-kangaroo.
Marigold Bain, matriarch of the Bain faimly, Vivian's grandmother.